like a ghost

i am like a dead person trying to live to fulfill my last missions on earth….

i have to pass my boards….

i have to study well for it

while nursing this smashed heart….

while trying to revive the love that has already died….

while hoping that one day I will be resurrected back to life…

while praying that he was just confused when he said that he want me out of his life

who am I kidding???

I know he doesnt love me anymore…..reading my previous posts….

now i realized it didnt happen overnight….

its been an ongoing process….

still…..i pray to God….

to give me one miracle

make that two Lord God….

help me pass my boards……

and make him love me back again…..

but if i could only have one….

please give me that license dear God….

its for my mom….

please….dear God

I can stand being alone forever……but I couldnt let my mom down…..

I want to be a full pledged Physician…..

even if I know….Ill be a dead…..licensed Physician…….

lonesome

today i realized i have no friends…

valentine’s day gloom

im not single…

therefore, iwont be spending my valentines day alone….

but Im not really all that happy….

call me ungrateful……

but I just cant get over the fact that he once thought he loved me much less than before….

that he once…or twice…or God knows how many times he wanted to let me go each time we fight….

How I cannot really be assured that he loves me as much no matter what he says….

…I guess I couldnt feel it….

that I am as important in his life as he is to mine….

Maybe I would keep on waiting for the day he will say goodbye…..because I dont think he’s holding me as tight….

and his grip could loosen up…in a blink of an eye….if the tide gets too high…

I dont really know if I still believe him when He says he loves me…..

Things arent the way it were before…..

Happy valentine’s day to me…. :’(

why

been reading my previous posts….and I cant help but cry….

he used to love me so much…woudnt allow a day to pass not telling me he loves me….

and when I get mad…he stumbles down….telling me how sorry he was….and how much I mean to him….

That was a year ago…..

NOw that we were together for two years and 2 months…he has changed….

CHanged a lot that I can no longer assure myself that he still loves me…

When I get mad…he’ll ignore me…

Whne I confront him, he’ll be even madder…

When I turn sweet, he remains civil…no sweet words…no i love yous anymore…..

No text msgs…no phone calls….no effort in meeting me….

When he meets me, I feel its just an obligation and not his own free will….

What’s wrong with us… is it still worth staying….

Or have I been alone all this time……

~~~~

end of 2009: reflections of a pseudomd

It is during these days that I ponder on this thought….
why did I choose to become a doctor…when I could have opted a more simpler life…. a life wherein you are not obliged to spend your weekends…your birthdays…your christmases…and all the other important events..on duty….answering ward calls…taking care of the sick…even if you yourself was too ill….
where I could easily say yes to every invitations/gimiks/parties……without batting an eyelash…where I am not excluded in the picture takings…..where I wont be regarded as a snob…who doesnt reply to textmessages because I was too busy stitching a lacerated wound or explaining a prescription to an illiterate patient…or failing to answer calls because you are too preoccupied with inserting an IV line to a patient about to undergo an emergency appendectomy/ blood transfusion or chemotherapy….

When my cousin told me years back, when I was still an incoming medical student, that he regrets entering medicine….that I should think first a lot of times before I submerge myself into this profession…I was puzzled…why would I ever doubt my choice….when I know being a physician is one of the noblest task there is…When he said it is really difficult….I thought…if I love what Im doing then nothing could be that hard….

But now….now that I am spending new year’s eve alone….in the company of the ghosts inside this recovery room of lcp….waiting for surgery intern calls….waiting waiting…ever hoping that the time would run so fast until its time to go home….When I left my house this morning…I was teary eyed…no…tears were falling from my eyes….saying goodbye to my mom…asking our neighbor to party louder so that their noise will reach my home…with only my brother and my mom waiting for the clock to strike at 12 midnight….Its painful….

That if I did not choose to become an md…I could be there at home, preparing food with my mom for media noche….whats harder…at times when Im on duty….I think about the lost times….Now Im thinking how many new years eve could there be left for my mom and I when I know she’s not getting any younger….my tears fall….for all the times that I could be there for her….making her laugh….because I miss her…and my whole family terribly….

I didnt mind going back and forth from laguna to quezon city and back this whole holiday season….i dont care if I look like a racoon now because of lack of sleep….The holidays must be spent with your family and loved ones…..so Im enduring the traffic/the exhaustion….and everything else….because I need to be home…..

Anyway… why did I choose to become a doctor?
…Because it is my childhood dream….because it is what my dad and I dreamed of when he was still with us….because it is still…after all one of the noblest task there is….
and if its worth not going home to your families during holidays and special occasions….
maybe not so…..but I m sure theyd understand….and I sure hope to be immune to this one day….

So For today…I would endure this longing to be home for media noche….
Cure the sick….Save lives….
And hope that next new year’s eve I would not be on duty anymore….

At the end of the day…quite sad as it may seem..but fulfilling in every sense…that’s the irony of being an md….

Thoracic Cardiovascular Surgery Intern on Duty,
Maria Rowena T. Vierneza M.D
Lic no: soon *crossed fingers*

~end of reflections of a pseudomd~
 

crying spells….

…..

sad day

i lost money again….:’( i know it was my fault…my carelessness…..but it was just for a few minutes…that I forgot it was in my bag, at the OR dressing room….Its nothing compared to how I try with all my might to save money….It hurts too much even it its just a material thing….whoever stole it didnt know that I skip morning meals and meriendas just to stretch my allowance for one week and pay for my sun bill….plus laundry….and trike fare everyday…. how i think a couple of times first what food to buy and if i can afford it…. I am not rich….. and I am an inch close to being called poor….:’( But now I have nothing left to do but accept the fact that some people just wouldnt care wherever the money they use to feed their families come from…..that to a hungry mouth whether you are rich or not wont matter, just as long as they see an opportunity to have money the easiest and fastest they can….

 enough of that….

at least I have free wifi (umm connection?) ……haii… at least i have a laptop (even if it has no audio, and its hard drive is jsut 2gig–any usb can store much more space….haiii……at least I am an MD….that…. I think is the only thing that can compensate for all the difficulties in life I experience….that even if I have no money….I was able to graduate at the best medical school in the Philli…that I obtained my md within 4 years…that no matter how much money or material things can be stolen from me, my being a doctor of medicine wont ever be taken away from me…..

Life can really be unfair sometimes…I mean why cant this kleptos and snatchers and picpockets just get money from those who are well off and can afford to lose some (Im bad, I know) no—or why do they ever exist in this world I just pray that the right punishment would be served for them when the TIME comes……

haiiii….

———————-

LOnely sentigurl…. I miss my friends…..whoever they are…. I miss having someone to call me because she has some juicy stuffs to share….I dunno…..in the course…..I think I lost everyone…..im just being pathetic again i know….its just that it gives me so much heartache whenever Im here alone in my apt and nobody even bothers to ring me….txt me….. what’s wrong with me….why cant i be loved as much by my friends…where are they now??

Now, even if i have a boyfriend…..im still incomplete…..because i dont have any confidantes anymore….that one whom I can call all the time and will answer in an instant….those people who will call me back because their days wont be complete without hearing me…and laughing with me…..

I know I have him……but nowadays I really am doubtful of him and that “friend” of his….I dont know…I hope im just being too suspicious…I hope there really is no basis to these doubts in my mind…..because I dont know what I can do if all these are true….

why cant I ever be loved as much…..

IM sad……….really sad….i hope the pain goes away soon…….

:’(

————————-

oo00oo

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….kaloka

being happy

is a choice….

but i think i have just a lot of hangups in my life that i fail to pick this most of the time….

i am swallowed by this gigantic wave of frustrations, disappointments, pain and sorrow……..that i fail to see the heavens above this ocean of turmoils….

i neglect the fact that I am alive, my family loves me….I am an MD and I have Christian…………..

plus the selected few…..trustworthy friends……

and my dear God….

I am so doubtful….so ungrateful…….

I tend to dwell on the darker shade of life…..not realizing that there is a rainbow on the other side of it

Im so sorry for being so full of melancholy

….i will really try…….

harder…..

to be happy…..

not my usual self

………………………………….

23rdmonth

last month to go before our 2nd year anniv….. so blessed

bad wena

im bad…….

but i feel nice….

its like trying something ive never tried before….haiii…

rest assured that i will put an end on this one day…. but for now let me be….

hohummm

topsyturvy world…..yesterday…my wallet got stolen at philcoa, while trying to board an fx, several women were squeezing me………..haiiii….then i just realized it’s missing when I was inside the jeep goin to ust….wasnt able to have my pc repaired…:( so here i am inside a net cafe…just wanting to connect with people…..

ive been smiling a lot lately though, sometimes it pays to be bad…haha….and so the “karma” yesterday…but wat the heck…im just enjoying life…and the things ive been missing for some years now…. but no its not that serious….

…its just, plain simple…nice….

when someone is trying to steal your man….

….i would not just watch and cry when i know that you are not just being a good friend to my boyfriend

you better shape up you fool….because I wont let you, touch even his fingertips..

you wont want to mess up with me….

go find your own….

or strangulate yourself to death if you cant….

happy 21st

this is our 21st month together……

and i pray to God that our love for each other wont ever cease…..

….

i still cant get over the fact that you lied to me once more…..

why do i love you this way

…………………..

you cant even tell a single truth anymore….

ramblings

how i wish i could regularly post here…..just like the old times…..what can i say…. months of internship have passed…im already done with 2 of the most toxic rotations ever…OB and Internal MEdicine….I surpassed it all…though not with flying colors…Ive a couple of not-so meritable encounters with my bosses….the nurses of east ave and nkti…some of them could really be the worst people you’ll ever meet in this world…

one shouted, screamed, yelled at me…infront of the other nurses and nursing aides and students…not minding the fact that i may just be an intern but im still a doctor….that i spent 9 years of my precious life striving to become one, and I dont deserve such treatment from her. ..we are not your slaves Ma’am….your highness from 5South east ward of East Ave medical Center, learn how to stoop down from your thrown, you do not own us interns…

at 5east ward one nurse badmouthed me in front of my colleague, claiming things such as I ignore referrals, i fail to fulfill their commands of inserting IV catheters, extracting blood from patients , and even slipping of this remark ” ewan ko ba sa maliit na yon” how professional can you get, rest assured that I would be facing you one of these days and kick your butt with all my might. This miniscule person do not exist just to be trampled upon by liars like you…. 

at NKTI-IM I met, first time ever, residents, who do not listen to explanations from interns, that interns monitor who chooses not to hear both sides of a story. YOU GUYS THINK WE JUST WANT TO BECOME SLACKERS, NOT MINDING IF INDEED THE INTERN WHO TOLD YOU SHE’S DYSPNEIC TRULY WAS, and not just giving out allibies to be freed from her duties!!!! grabe kang doktor ka i hate you to the fullest, you both of you, who thought i was jsut making up excuses when I said can I sit down while monitoring that patient. And since when does failing to insert can be grounds for demerit. I swear, you dra ___that no thomasian physician ever misjudged her colleague, the way you did, what happened to your compassion!! you may be competent but if you deal that way you will never succeed in this field where you need close ties with your co-doctors. and you, you interns monitor you, MAS NAUNA LANG KAYONG PINANGANAK!!!! but we will be licensed doctors too…..and I swear I would never be like you!!!!!!

haaaaiiiii…there’s just too much hatred for them within me….sana one day ill learn to forgive these people….sana I can just say, they tought me how to strive better and prove my detractors wrong……pero masakit…lalo na if deep within you know you did your best!! haiiiiii

enough of those angst filled stories………today is a holiday, and Im assigned at J.Dela Pena health center for 2months…weee…..rest na…kahit may make-up pa for the demerits and for the absences…..kaya here i am blogging…walang sense blog ko…wala lang just want to give an update about my life….haiii im sick…sana gumaling na ko tomorrow

————-

 Christian….

20 months na….we’ve been together for 20 months now….and…things are still the same i guess….

kung minsan I wish sana he could be more thougtful….kung minsan I feel he doesnt love me that much….pero he’s there…still there…though I cant help but envy those couples na alam kong strong na ang foundation…i guess we still have a long long way to run…I always hoped he would be the one….the one Ill spend the rest of my life with….but I learned not to expect that much…seeing my friends getting engaged, my best bud getting married, I pray harder that one day soon….he’ll ask for my hand and wont ever let it go…pero for the mean time, ill be happy and contented with what he can give….according to him…he’still a work in progress……haii….anyways….sana sana….

~~~~~~~~~~

99 % ang passing rate ng UST, 6/10 ang top from batch 2008….weee pressured talaga kami…….reminds me na kailangan ng mag-aral ng mabuti ngayong commmed…:-) and pray hard!!

“““““““

today is ate cindy’s 40th day of death….until now its still so hard to accept that she’s gone….. but we must move on…..may your soul rest in peace forever ate….we love you so much and we’ll miss you forever.

 ~~fin

wallowing in sadness

why do i fail to post here…when this is the only place where nobody can criticize me for what I say….where I can say anything I want without fear of being rejected…

i missed this blog…i miss the times when I write here everytime I need to spill things out…

one month of OB internship at East ave has passed…its a lot of hardwork….duty days are sooo toxic…..not to mkention the nurses and even the nurse aids who doesnt treat you right

Intern me: Ma’am nandito daw po ba sa ward si Remandaban?

NUrse 1: —– (wala akong naririnig)

Internme: Ma’am si Remandaban po…

Nurse 1: —-(deadma lang ako tuloy sa pagchacharting)

Internme: Ma’am….si Remandaban nandito sa ward (a litter higher octave level)

NUrse 2: Hay nako doctora, lagi ka talagang lost. walang Remandaban dito

ai sorry ha pinapatanong lang kasi sakin yun ng residente namin…Doctora. este Ma’am pala. bawal magtanong…tsk

yea…the nurses there seem to have perforated tympanic membranes…they love to ignore you at all times…PLUS a number of them are obnoxious.

and if its not enough some aides are…such pains in the ass

Internme: Ma’am pwede p pasingit sa chart nito (labs) thnaks po

Nurse aide: ai doctora kayo ang magsisingit nyan

Nurse supervisor : ai doctora trabaho nyo yan kayo ang gumawa…di kami utusan

Intern me: e ma’am ako na po ang kumuha nyan sa baba diba kayo po talaga ang kumukuha nun

Nurse aide: eh ma’am sya na daw po ang kumuha

NUrse supervisor: ai doctora trabaho nyo yan  wag nyo ipasa samin

and the nurse aide rolls her eyes….shet irapan daw ba ako….tsk buhay

one midwife pushes a patient’s wheelchair not even minding me…talgang babanggain nako ng bonggangbongga

mga adik mga tao dito sa eamc…:(

being a PGI, you wil never earn their respect, to them you are just the intern na wala pang licensya…kung minsan parang sarcastic pa sa pandinig mo ang pagtawag nila syo ng doctora…

and if its not the worse….one patient…”pay” patient almost made me quit DOH internship…..I was monitoring her Fetal heart tones q1,( hourly) noticing that she is irritable everytime she has topull up herhospital gown for me to hear her baby’s heart….irita na because she has to wake up all the time..even if I was told by the consultant na wag na sya gisingin, i couldnt coz she wraps her body with a blanket and sleeps on her left….. i mean, I had no choice but to dsiturb her sleep… and she was practically  sleeping the whole day… at 3am…an hour after she wentto the Dr for her BID Non-stress test (Electronic fetal monitoring ) I went inside her room to monitor her

internme: ma’a,m pakinggan ko lang po ang baby nyo

patient: hawak sa ulo, bugnot, kakatapos ko lang mag NST eh

internme: ma’am if you want po not to be montiored hourly, you can tell  me and ill tell the residents po.

patient:  blahblahs, iritable na talga

interme: blahblahs, trying to explain the situation

patient: Ai wag ka na magsalita, sumasakit ang ulo ko!

internme: (as calmly as possible)……ma’am nopt because youre a pay patient you could talk to me like that,,,,

patient: turned hysterical…waaah waaah! blahblah…..YOURE JUST AN INTERN!!!! tawagin mo ang nurse! wah wah blahs..calls her husband, waah wahh ung intern blahblahblah

internme: ma’am sorry na po…im sincerely apologizing na po for what ive sadi (eksaherado ka, tsk)

patient: hinde wag ka na magsorry wag ka na magsalita…aaargggh….hysterical pa din….

internme: (kulang na lang lumuhod, natakot sa sanction) sorry na po sorry na sorry

patient waaaah! hindeeeee blahblahblah

haaii….lumabas na lang ang kawawang intern, oras oras na nga nagpapakahirap para imonitor ang pasyente para lang maksiguradong ligtas ang babay nya dahil mataas ang kanyang prsyon….ayun, na shut up pa at nasabihan ng youre just an intern…..kulang na lang lumuhod sa pasyente….

nasaan na ang 8 taon kong pinagaralan…..at ang MD>…….kung para sa mga pay patient isa ka lang hamak na intern. utusan. kaya wala ng respeto…

:’(

sa charity ward:

patient: miss  miss, ate, pa tape naman nito ( IV line nya)

intern me: (naka white coat and all) —-( sadness….)

mahirap ang buhay ng PGI, alanganin kasi kami e, parang doktor na hindi, may m.d nga pro wala namang lisensya…….. malungkot pag nasisigwan ng pasyente, ng bantay, nasusungitan ng nurse….ng aide, ng residente

for most of them….WE are just interns….pero ok lang…..after one year….sana….tunay na maging doctor na ako….

and all these will pay off…..

………………im really sad right now……………………….

same old story pa din…. sya at ang mga bagay na hindi nya kaya gawin….

ang lungkot Christian….lagi na lang ba ganito :’(

Revalida 2009

i miss this blog….

in the past, this was not just a simple journal  online…this was my confidante….the sole thing who will never refuse hearing what i have to say….its sad that i wasnt able to update this for almost half a year….and a lot…real lot things happened during those months i ignored this…

I PASSED THE REVALIDA

this was my greatest achievement so far….for months I dreaded the coming of that one day that i will be grilled, sauteed, pulverized….i shedded buckets of tears….i had sleepless nights….even in my dreams, i never escaped from this truth, that ill be taking the orals, and i have to be prepared….but being in MEdicine rotation…the most demanding rotation in clerkship….it was more than hard for me to concentrate revieving for March 3….I cursed people who didnt care………………..I went through the preparation almost alone…..(thankful for irene and christian for being with me on some review nights)……

ON my revalida day, the 1st day of revalida 2009,I had 2 luggages full of books….carried by Christian….we entered  USTH….with all the anxieties and apprehensions within me…..went to chapel….and He knelt down and prayed with me….there I felt it was not only me who was scared….

Shayne and I were the 1st among all the clerks to face our tribunals.at the patho conforence room…….in my heart, i know I am not prepared….I cannot remember the emergecies I read for days….tabula rasa…..clinicals….im dead….  Still i am thankful because God allowed me to pass the written revalida…..thus, exemptin me from the basics part of my revalida…..

I know i was part of His plan….so that…on that day of March3….I had Chole for my clinicals….*shudder* Venous thromboembolism for emergencies…

 I cried after my orals….because i know I didnot please my tribe…i failed to meet their expectations….and so I cried a lot and was comforted by my previous patho professors….boosting my morale….that I would not fail….

 and then  when Shayne and I were called back for the judgment….

…we both passed…despite of the many things they said…i dont care anymore….

minutes after the deliberation… I called my mom and we both cried….thanked the Lord for this sblessing

revalida is but a bittersweet success