thoughts of a would-be spinster

im tired…. of hoping and wishing that one day someone would come along and wash all the pains of yesterday and today away……

i dont know….everytime I see wall posts in facebook about people getting married/engaged/pregnant/ changing status from single into in a relationship…. it gives me that certain pang in the heart….. why my life didnt turn out that way. Why I am not one of those selected few who were blessed with the one

why my love story ended that way…… why I have to meet the wrong person over and over again. why I have to love someone whose love for me didnt even last half a decade….. why I have to develop feelings I couldnt name for someone who is already committed but who doesnt know what committment means…….

I am, right now devastatingly certain that the one for me isnt really there……

I should just probably get used to being alone and learn how to live a life without thinking about that possibility that someday, someone would indeed come and love me for real. love me for eternity….love me and me alone.

No,  all my hopes just died now….. and yes I sound oh so bitter, but then no one could really blame me eh…..?

Im tired….. really tired…..

and it hurts…

so bad 

prebday blues…

in about 23 hours ill be turning 27….haiii…. im getting old…..

last year I vowed that ill be happy and merry on my natal day in 2012, because I was truly miserable at that time….

the past few days I told myself ill face my bday with a smile and a contented heart.

But really its just so easy to say that i will make myself happy tomorrow because lastyear was one of the worst bdays Ive had….. but now that its nearing 012412, all i can say is that I feel so empty…. :I maybe all these time I was just trying to appear that everything is ok, im glad to hear people making comments such as I seem more mature now and that they should thank that person who just left for that……

I honestly could not feel the same way right now….. because at this very moment, I feel sad……. i am sad…… sad to celebrate this year without that person I spent 4 bdays with…well 3 happy bdays and an awful one…..but no actually, more than that thought….its that feeling that for another year ill be spending it missing the feeling of being loved so much on that day by someone….. having one person to say “happy bday and I love you……” and maybe for the next years to come itll be the same…..

haaiiii,maybe another painful reality is that tomorrow, on my special day, id also miss that someone…him…that person ive beem missing for a few weeks now…. and although I never felt that I love him…still a huge part of me yearns to see/ catch a glimpse of that person….. that person who never saw me the same way I see him…… that person Im not in love with…..but I could not get off my systems…..

another thing is that dread to see that damned person on my supposedly happy day….. i dont want to see her because right now there’s jsut too much hate in my heart for her….how unfortunate can I get to be on duty with that person on the day I should be happy :I

haiiii….I have a gazillion of hangups on this approaching day, but then again….. im still hoping that somehow in someway, my family and close friends can make all these hurt and negative vibes disappear tomorrow…..still wishing that tomorrow would be better than last year….. :I

advance “happy” bday to me…. advance “happier” bday to me….. *crossedfingers*

Why I fell for an idiot

Its all better now…now that Im seeing things clearly….

I was so devastated from ending a relationship that doesn’t even exist in the first place….

All these time we were looking at the picture, our picture, and we don’t see it the same way…

Its only now that I knew what really is going on inside his head….

There was never an US for him, that’s why its just all easy for him to say we should remain friends

I fooled myself into believing that we had something, that we just cant be what I hoped we’ll be because he has a kid…and a pseudowife……

Little did I know of the fact that in his life I was just merely an acquaintance….short of saying we just had a casual sex……and it’s all there is for him….. what’s different is that we work in the same place, and he had the chance to still mingle with, and flirt with that stupid, pathetic, gullible girl he devirginized. 

This is indeed my stop….id truly stop torturing myself, and move on because there really was nothing to hold on to anyways…. Yes indeed. This is all but just a bad dream and now Im truly waking up…..

No more silly trips toward that surgery ward where he works, …..will just pass by whenever surgical referrals come…..and hope that he  isn’t there….no he wont see me looking his way anymore…..

He is nothing but an idiotic asshole who doesn’t deserve even a split millisecond of my time……will face my day, my tomorrow with a bruised ego but a better self….. and when my birthday comes…. Ill be happy…. Unlike last year when somebody ruined it by making me feel worthless…..

Why I fell for a fucking idiot….no I don’t know and I will never understand…….but it wont be for long…..I will move on and far away from him…..pick up the pieces of my trashed dignity and forget that such person ever existed……

My 2011 wishlist, revisited :)

1. Stay strong: I think Im a lot stronger now as compared to the previous year…. so many things have happened already adn I surpassed it all with flying colors

2. Regain my faith in HIM: and yet I have to work on this triple harder…. because I havent been able to pray really hard nowadays…

3. learn to live ALONE: Indeed I learned how to… its been 8 months…and now Im still alone, not so happy but not really lonely

4. accept the things I couldnt change and the times I couldn’t bring back: DONE

CRY but remain still

5. Give my 100% for Pediatrics training: haha just 80 % I think….

6. Be happy even for a day, (my day!)  (January wish ): but I failed to be, on my day, but I promise to be happy next month

7. Be contented with what I have: Contented.

8. Borrow money from kuya (until March) but promises to pay (on April): A-ok

9. List down the things I want and will definitely acquire come April

10. Take care of my mom and do everything in my power to delay the progression of her disease

11. Be strong (Ive already mentioned this but I want to reiterate..so I could definitely be)

12. Face the inevitable this year…on my chosen time: well not on my chosen time, but I faced it well enough

13. Gimiks with everyone in order to forget…. didnt have to do it, and no time din haha

14. Forget, let go and move on when it’s time to… AJA

15. Rejuvenate myself, total pampering and make over come April…come december )

16. Still try to work it out (for a few more months/weeks/days…at least I wont have any regrets)

But be prepared for the final judgment (Since hope for US to last is truly close to nil)—> whatever…..

17. Keep from crying in public:still  learning how…..

18. Cry alone and get back on my feet again: done

19. Make new friends: yey!

20. Be smarter (heartwise and pediawise): i think I am now

21. Be the thomasian Physician Ive always dreamed about: :)

22. Be more patient to my patients (and all the freaking mothers and relatives)…not so haha

23. Spend more time with family and friends

24. Have a new laptop: my vaio

25. HTC PDA phone- non yet

26. USB-wifi

27. credit card– sad non yet

28. new clothes/etc

29. longer hair.. and permed hair ) love it!

30. permed eyelashes–> so nice

31. SPA

32. pedia steth– ill have it tomorrow hopefully from my uncle

33. Nelson’s 19th(?)/newest ed coming out this yr– haha no budget for this yet….

34. Give money to mommy (for meds/stuff)

35. Give money to kuya

36. BE RICH..haha…feel rich )

37. Pay my debts to that someone I should not owe anything anymore!

38. Save money for my future– will start next year hahaha…im soooo gastos!!

39. Attend the Quadricentennial celeb of my beloved UST

40. Update my journal– will try better next year

41. Blog nicely and wisely– will try also next year

42. LEARN 8x!!!!!

50. Be HAPPY and LIVE again….. <3

AND ALSO ONE ACCOMPLISHMENT: been to boracay!! weeeee

all those in red, are the things Ive also achieved…. even if I lost him and another….even if Ive been bad and all…. Its nice to know… 2011 is a good year after all

Devastated and all miserable me

today I cried again….

because I chanced upon my ex’s fb and learned that now indeed, he is truly happy

and I cant help but become all bitter, again, for the nth time…pondering on what I did wrong to deserve all these pain….

up until now I still couldnt accept the fact that I lost him…. I lost him to someone else….. and why it all happened….

ang sakit sakit isipin now that I can see him moving on with his life….happy with her….

while me on the other side…..still miserable…. 

I thought I already found a new happiness….

but then ngayon Im just fooling myself into believing that what Im doing now can make me happy….

kasi alam ko this wouldnt do me any good but Im still doing it because of that false sense of happiness I can derive from it….

because nobody else is there…

because I already gave him so much of me….

and I just couldnt easily stop…..

bakit ganon???? when will I ever be happy?

yung hindi na ko sour graping over him being all out, happy with that girl…..

yung hindi puro pretentions…and living in a sin like the  way I am….

before I know I have moved on already,hindi pa ba sapat ang sakit na naranasan ko from my ex to become a stronger person??? now I am dealing with something so painful again, in ayear’s time kailangan talaga twice ako masaktan ng ganito….

I have had enough….

I dont deserve this much pain…..

</3 I am so broken……

…….

but then again….

a week ago… I did something foolish….something I truly regret…..but then I guess what happened is bound to happen….probably to teach me…..t make me a stronger person…..to help become that woman who knows how to make a decision, and who can distinguish what’s right from wrong….

but then again….. I am not hypocrite to say that this didnt cause me too much pain….because a week ago I lost an essential part of me….. and I could not ever bring it back……so yes, for the nth time, I am deeply hurt….. for that loss….. for my loss….for losing it and him…but probably letting it all go,    is indeed what’s best for us……. 

 so now I am saying goodbye…..to my stupidity, and hope that one day soon I ll be sane again….

a life with someone new

Im now dating someone…..exclusively…. and I could not even name what is it that’s going on between us…. all I know is that his look sends shivers down my spine….his touch, and his kiss….yea…. we already kissed….it all happened just too fast…. but hell, it made me feel like a true woman again……actually… my relationship with him now ended all my freaking issues with my ex….maybe this is truly what I need….and who knows…things might end up the way I hope it will….but then if not… I just pray that this one wouldnt make me shed a bucket of tears once more…..

this one with HIM….its exciting….and thrilling….and something so unusual…. thanking fate for this….

reality hurts

today i met my friend who works with my ex…. and she asked me this question

“kamusta ka na”

and i couldnt really honestly answer this with conviction

because I know I’m still not over him…. 

ang sakit lang hearing things about him….

that he decided to stay here in the Phili while the rest if his peers goes to Malta…. including that girl…

ang sakit pa din hearing that confirmation from her that indeed his heart belongs to her already…

alam ko naman un noon pa…. pero when she told me somebody told her that the girl is his’ ….. whatever

ayun….its still painful…..

haiiii when will it ever stop hurting??

…

walking alone, on that certain side of Makati gives me a pang in the heart….. thoughts of the past…..fear of bumping into the past, and realize that all the hatred is gone…..and that ONE excruciatingly painful fact STILL remains….. </3

</3

today…. i missed him, not the”him” now but the person I loved and who loved me as much some 3 years back….

cyanotic……

for a time i thought life is already okay but then these days there’s just too much pain and drama, I cannot contain this sadness anymore……

A message for tita….

Happy bday tita bebot….if there’s one thing that I truly regret from my past relationship, it is losing you, because you’re one of the best moms anyone could ever have…..I really miss you….and I wish one day I could see you again so I could tell you how thankful I am for loving me and treating me as your own daughter back then….

thinking out aloud…again…

This morning I thought of revisiting my old friendster accounts…

and then I wished I didnt

because right there and then I realized that I should not doubt the love that he felt for me then….

oo nga pala….minahal nya pala talaga ako noon….

his photos…..his testimonials…..our past lives are all there….

it all speaks of our love for each other back then….

and so I felt that excruciating pain once more….

for a moment I forgot the fact that he already fell out of love for me…

for some time I forgot that he is now in love with someone else…

on that period of time I forgot all the  anger and the hatred that masked the love I felt for that person

and I wondered again…

whatever happened to that love we once shared?

why it didnt last long….

why it didnt surpass the test of time…

and I could not and will never find the answer to these questions….

—–

today I realized there’s still love for him in my heart….

despite of all the hurt he caused me…

despite of the fact that he almost shattered my whole life into pieces….

but despite of these realizations…

I know I am already moving on….. I know these are but just waves of emotions that surged in….

I know that in time I will no longer feel any hurt….

and I can completely turn my back on everything…

and maybe, just maybe when that time comes, I can already smile and say…..that I have loved and lost, and now I am whole again….

<3

doing better

i can now say his name without wincing….see his pictures without a pang in the heart….. 

not a single tear for him for some days now…..

probably i am moving on…. a little bit faster than expected….

:)

If you ask me now

Its been a month since I last talked to him….since I last heard his voice….since I really even wanted to talk…..

because now….

I could not remember anymore how it feels to miss someone….because I dont

….How it is to have someone to share how your day went by before going to sleep

I honestly could not even remember the reason why I couldn’t let go of hima month…a year ago…..

I dont remember how much I loved him then…..because now If you ask me I could not feel anything for him but hatred….

And yes, I still cry sometimes, there are still surges of pain when memoirs of the past flashes back……

and with these…..there’s that one big question which haunts me all the time…… what wrong have I done to deserve all these pain…

If you ask me now If I have moved on?

Not yet completely…but Im trying my best……but  indeed I am letting go…

waves…..

surges of emotions after reading a few texts from him accidentally, which were still stored on my sim card’s memory…

feeling all the pain once more

I wished he was miserable….

I wished he can experience even a half of all the pain I felt, still feeling until now

But I bet what happened to us never even bothered him a bit….

and why should I still care???

because it still hurts as much after all…..

it hurts to know that he already love someone else

it hurts to know that he is living his life normally as if losing me meant great freedom for him….

it hurts to know that I still hurt so much

it hurts to know that it will take me a long long time to heal, forgive and forget

it hurts to know that he can still make me cry, from so much pain inside…..

I wish time would heal all the wounds sooner……

im fine…

Im fine…

Never thought that Iam…

Never thought that I’ll be brave enough to face these days…

And though it still hurts a lot

I am so glad to say…

That Im doing just fine

Over the phone

the 3++ years has ended

the 3 years of lies and fallacies…..

now I know why I had to leave….why its not worth all the sacrifices and hardships…..

because he is a man who doesnt know what true love is….

because he no longer loves me because he already love someone else…

And while he told me a year and some months ago that he will work things out…. he wasnt

because he fell in love with someone else….

Maybe Ill cry over this pain for some more time….days…weeks….months…but I know I can stand up from this fall

Because He truly is not worth it…..

A beautiful message from Zee…..

This is a message from my friend Zee….

there is really nothing else left to do….

Letting Go

They say that if you love someone, you should let him go. If he comes back to you, then he’s yours, if he doesn’t, then he was never meant to be.

However, no one in her right mind would let someone she loves go. Yet, we all want to do theright thing because if we ever want to look back, we want to be able to say that at least, at one time in our lives, we were magnanimous and brave.

Still, magnanimity costs. And courage hurts.

The truth is that our first instinct when someone we love pulls away is to hold on. We hold on because the thought of losing the one person we love is too painful to bear. And in our pain, we lose sight of what is sane. We only see the need to stop someone from fleeing and so instead of giving way, we block the path for his get-away.

However, it is madness to cling on to someone who perhaps no longer wants you.

Let him go. What are you afraid of? That he won’t be back? The truth is that you can’t really hold on to someone who doesn’t want you anymore, anyway, so there really is no point in holding on.

You might as well, let go with dignity and grace.

Letting go is difficult because it is against human nature. It is saying “no” when you want to say “yes.” It is resisting the tide. It is walking away when you want to stay. It is transcending our humanity and rising to our divinity. Letting go commands us to be larger than life. Don’t be so hard on yourself if you cannot let go. No one ever said it would be easy.

But if you know what is good for you, then, you must learn to do what is hard and what is painful to do. For if you really want to know if this love is meant for you, then, you must have the courage to submit it to its final test.

Of course it will be terrifying. Of course it will hurt. And if he doesn’t come back, then, of course it will be devastating. But there is life after the tears and the heartbreak if you can let go of your love and hold on to your faith. You cannot will what is not willed for you. And in the end, you will realize that what is not willed for you is not what is right for you.

When you’re old and gray, you want to be able to look back and say, “Once upon a time, I fell in love and let him go because I wanted to know if the winds would bring him back to me. And they did.” Of course, the story could also end differently, “The winds failed to bring him back to me. But he turned out to be the wrong man for me.” I think that all stories can end happily.

They may not always end the way we want them to but then who wants a boring, predictable story?

If you let someone you love go and he doesn’t come back to you, then, he can’t be the one for you.

How can he be? If a man cannot pick out the gem from among the stones, then he cannot be a very wise and worthy man. If he can’t see you as the better woman, then maybe, there is a better man out there for you. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I say it is better to have loved and let go than to have loved and held on to the wrong one all this time.

Wish I can do it soon…..