this is where I stand

last night….he sent me a msg again….

then, all of my plans of studying halted…. 

i felt better cause he already shared to me what troubles he's been having for the past weeks….

and it also gave me a pang in the heart, cause God has clearly made me see why He allowed us to meet…

We are alike in so many ways, he is as sentimental as I am, we both love korean emo-flicks…..

We had that chemistry in the dance floor….

And maybe I was sent to Him as that person He could divulge his sentiments with….

And the ever goodfriend that I am….that's all that I've ever been for countless times already….

I patiently listened and answered….I stayed up late even if I have to study the whole sunday….

I just couldn't leave him worrying about that girl that he can't admit to himself that he likes…. 

And promised him that I will just be around if ever he needs someone to talk with…..

yes, now I know….this is where I stand…

:') 

for this moment

just for this moment….allow me to pour this all out…

just for this moment…i am crying because of him

My heart is all smashed right now….

Asking me to wait so I did…

But he never came back…

he could have easily said goodbye but he asked me to wait

and the silly masochistic individual that I am, I did…..

ive long been waiting for us to be able to talk…

And I terribly miss him that's why I took this chance…

sentimeeh (7/21/2007 7:56:45 PM): hi
********* (7/21/2007 8:13:57 PM): hi
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:16:40 PM): musta?
*********(7/21/2007 8:17:02 PM): ok lng
*********(7/21/2007 8:17:08 PM): wait lang
*********(7/21/2007 8:21:21 PM): hi ulit
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:22:47 PM): hi agn…
********* (7/21/2007 8:23:32 PM): doing sumthing?
********* (7/21/2007 8:23:52 PM): ctc?
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:24:13 PM): im just done with it…
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:24:20 PM): ok lng…
********* (7/21/2007 8:25:45 PM): how are you?
********* (7/21/2007 8:25:54 PM): doin good?
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:26:52 PM): ok naman….the past week sobrang pagod ko…and now, nkpagrest na….pero start ulit nxt wk haha
********* (7/21/2007 8:28:31 PM): don't abuse yourself….
********* (7/21/2007 8:28:42 PM): mamya singilin k nyan
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:29:42 PM): di naman msydo, but yea…i tend to….di maiwasn e…gnn tlg….
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:30:08 PM): ikaw din….sobra ka n aral….di k n ata ngrrest…
*********(7/21/2007 8:31:15 PM): di pa namn. i haven't pushed myself
*********(7/21/2007 8:31:22 PM): to the limit
*********(7/21/2007 8:31:58 PM): did ust win?
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:32:13 PM): okie…
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:32:39 PM): against up ba? yea…i think 7 pts ang lead…
********* (7/21/2007 8:35:15 PM): naghousehold n kyo?
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:35:35 PM): yea, twice na…
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:35:39 PM): kyo?
*********(7/21/2007 8:36:23 PM): kmi di pa…. kinda bc ang mga tao
********* (7/21/2007 8:36:46 PM): can't squeeze time
********* (7/21/2007 8:37:17 PM): wait lang tlga…….

im so overly melodramatic i know….

when he didnt reply at once, i deleted all his msgs in my inbox….

but he should have ignored me totally then….

i guess this is really where I stop…

Ive done my part…

And this book I will just close…

He doesnt deserve my tears….

I don't deserve all the pain that he brought me…. 

And to that letting go state I am once more….

:' ( 

haiiiii he went online again…

roller coaster of emotions….

ayoko na…

ayoko na… 

now I can breathe

the past week was totally exhausting….

until now I can still feel muscle and joint pains….<–perhaps all those rheumatoid arthritis study for our big group discussion diffused on me….that's why I manifested with the same symptoms our patient have.. haha…no im not a hypochondriac nor suffering from a somatization disorder….weh…—> psychiatry shifting exam did this to me, actually, this is what people diagnose me with everytime I complain about pains and all…

oh well….the week was sooooo stressful for me… whoever said third year is easier than 2nd year must be out of his wits….

ITs really just now that I was able to recuperate from the sleep deprivation since last week….haiiii….

I feel a lot better now because after that everyday BGD works….(but Ive still managed to go to the SFC Chapter assembly last wednesday–> with the aching body and droopy eyes)… 

I passed that dreadful exam in Psych (even with all the stupid, careless answers I made) Med quizzes were a bit ok…(again carelessness made me 1 pt short to passing that short quiz yesterday), thank God Radiology exam was  cancelled, Pedia Surg did not push through and last but not the least….We did Ok in our BIg Group discussion…. I was able to report without stammering much unlike before….wiiii i finally learned how to report!! halleluyah….answered some of the questions without urm…ahhh….err….haha…felt so good that when I was tasked to lead the closing prayer, it seems that the Spirit has grown within me…Dr. Valencia even asked if I am a Legionnaire of Mary….hahaha….sabi ko Singles for Christ po…(proud and blessed to be one )  haha one more thing, shayney gave me a note that says: Weng ang galing galing mo…! Good Job!…… was really really touched….hahaha

We treated Dr. Alan to a merienda/early dinner at Dpit for that success….hihi….sayang Dr. Lyndon wasnt around….Dra Cayco was a saint din…she didnt ask any questions…. anyway….

Glee Club rehearsals after –my stress reliever @ the end of the tremendous wk….and then home to laguna at 11.45 p.m…sheesh…traffic….err…

Now…ill stop being a bum soon and get back to being a med student….

next week would be exams galore again…(bring it on!)

P.S.

The busy week allowed me to repress, attain dissociative amnesia (for a short short while) and forget about that person…….now he came back to my senses again…haha….felt sad cause he wasnt around last wed…..and misshim…i really miss him….but i decided to move on and forget didnt I….still I miss him…:-)

dealing with it

i have a hard time dealing with it…maybe i was born with scarce endorphins and low tolerance…..

i feel so much….every single thing affects me to the fullest

Even if it's supposed to be an emotional pain, I feel it physically….it mimics  myocardial infarction pain….or maybe as worst as a dissecting aneursym….and I dont know how to take it…

I really dont know why I grew up this way….

maybe his loss truly made me a weak individual….my dad's loss.. that somebody's loss…..

my heart is just so dried up right now….

I miss him…and I have to let him go….

because going on with this longing feeling is tantamount to more disastrous consequences later on…

haiii why did you allow me to know him, and feel the pain again oh Lord…:'(

48 hours without good sleep does this to me…

plus 2 weeks of not seeing nor communicating with that someone I just met, but left me with all the memories so hard to forget…

…..feet cemented on this street……..its excruciatingly painful to be back here……. 

its raining again

is it due to hormones….why i suddenly blurted it all out….and worst….to someone from the group

maybe he was totally confused…maybe he got irritated….senxa na kito….i cant stand it anymore

gone are the days when i could easily talk to anyone of them….just about everything…..now i have to weigh each and every single thing I say….I couldnt even show my true emotions to them…i dont even share whatever it is i really wanted to….

 gone is the group  i used to love so much….

cause now I only see them as the group I have to love….since I would share the rest of my med days with them

maybe they just wouldnt see the me a few people cared for….

and i just stopped hoping that they ever would…..

i hope i just dont feel this  much…..

cause tomorrow I have two exams….and emotions shouldnt get in the way of studying…..

haiii…..hope the sun shines again after a couple of minutes…..

:'(