feeling that feeling again

after 5 months….i finally had the chance to be with the person I so longed to be with…

i was ecstatic… so cliche' but i really felt I was up there in cloud 9…i thought it would be awkward….but no…when I saw him its like reuniting with a person you've known all your life….*sigh*…..

that was last thursday…and yesterday,  I bonded with the group I truly missed….sadly, he didnt come…my heart was smashed cause he was the one who planned this gimik, all I could feel was  so much pain from too much expectation on this supposed "group date"…but eventually I realized deep within my heart I couldnt really go on hating him for not coming….this dawn I realized I could do anything for him…..

anything if he would just allow me to….I don't know with this familiar pain…Im sure I could  get used to this soon….cause in this state where I am in now I now there's no turning back….its just so like yesterday, when I was loving someone unconditionally….i bet here I am again once more…feeling that feeling again….I dont know what to do with this….I really dont…all I could now is care for him….just care for him a lot…haiiii….wish he would just open up himself more to us….to me….i guess our friendship isnt still as strong as I thought it is….there's still some issues he couldnt trust me with…

although when we met i really felt how happy he was to be there….haii…il never forget how he offered and place his jacket on me when he thought I was feeling cold then….haiii…

—i had that feeling that friday I d be crying cause I never felt so extremely happy without a sad thing happening next…. and yes it did happen…

–I cant help but text him…honestly, nakakatampo but we do understand….hope you're ok now… 

 sana naman things could still workout fine between us after this…I m scared cause he might drift away…again from us….from me…..because of this :'(

—i had fun with my american era group…..God is really good cause He always sends me surprises….if some people leave you just like that, I know I found these brothers and sisters whom I can share almost everything with…. luv them

haiiiii….back to the real world I am once more…. study!

love and life

Its amazing how so many life changing events could happen in just a week…
How things could easily turn upside down in a blink of an eye…
So much has occured to me these days…some were truly painful….some unexpected, some worth treasuring, and some Id always be thankful for, for the rest of my existence.

November 5 was the first day of my 2nd and hopefully last semester in medschool…this week we didnt have any exams but the never-ending lectures from about 14 subjects arent very healthy for my brain…I got so exhausted even with just listening or rather "trying" to listen while keeping my eyes from shutting down…but no, I didnt succeed most of the time….haha…Wena was truuuly sleepy the whole week….the reason: hihi, I went to just about every SFC stuff there is the whole week…Monday: CLP Make-up Sessions, Tuesday:Tongues Workshop, Wed: Music Min practice, Thurs: CLP Baptism, Friday: Household

So…instead of merely stating ablow-by-blow account of what happened the past days…I am sharing my insights on these….

On Being alone. Being alone gives you some space to grow, that's how the cliche' goes, I went malling last monday to buy a top….by myself…it isnt easy for someone like me…all my life Ive always clinged to anyone, for support…for company….but little by little Im getting the hang of it…and I realize it isnt that bad after all…in fact…its nice….but my very nature of being sentimental and all makes it just hard for me to accept such things as…being left behind.

On Saying Goodbye. While at SM Pia suddenly called me up…frantically persuading me to go to Palawan/Bora with my barkada….which is like committing suicide since that month itd be near finals….and did I mention how many subjects I have this semester? and how things are too crucial since this would be the last sem and clerkship would be next thing in line….haiiii….when she said the reason why I must TRULY MUST go…."aalis na c Jane" My heart stopped…..Her applications for Canada went well….and by March she'll be leaving Phili… My heart was breaking due to the way the news was delivered to me, how I could really not do anything to be there on the planned outing….and the fact that my laughing machine would soon be leaving us….

how could you really say goodbye to someone who has been there half of your life….And how do you get use to the idea that you can no longer be with that person anytime you want to…

On How Fate works. I was going to text Jane and ask her where she is, but decided not to and went to starbucks….and there she was, with her nurse friend….I cried when I saw her…haiii…..it was like fate leading me to the person I wanted to see that very moment….

and it is as crazy as finding yourself face to face with a person you never thought you'd be friends with … I met a friend in SFC, and found out how nice a person she is…and no longer will I wonder how this certain person I care about in turn cared too much for her…

ON LIfe's miseries. too sleepy from practicing sfc songs and dining out with my new found friends plus ate evan, a brother suddenly texted me about his suicidal ideations….and it scared me to the fullest….for one thing I know that you should never ignore someone who voices out his plans of ending his life. And I couldnt do anything for him but say we could talk about what's bothering him…..the next day I found out he was confined in USTCD due to drug intake of more than 61 tablets of different kind…so I went to him….and my heart broke….how he shedded tears when he saw me there…I almost cried seeing the pain in his face and how he was still so eager to just end it all…

It's dreadfully sad how miseries could truly make a good but weak man opt to just die. I know that person feels so much loneliness and pain. He is an orphan with an alcoholic brother. What these people need is love and utmost understanding….what happened made me think about how I handle problems of my own….and how small my hang-ups are compared to his…and the rest who end up doing what he did.

On acceptance of the things we couldnt change about this crazy little thing called Love and its unconditionality.  Somebody told me about connecting two words, Personality and Interpretation. And now, it so made sense to me… that people couldnt see the same things the same way…. HE texted me again last night….and now we had a real conversation….We talked for almost 3 hours, and all those time I was thinking about Ate evan and I's talk on 2 ends of the spectrum…I decided to BE THERE again for him even if I know that this is a one sided thing, with me on the losing, hurting end….i chose to be there, to be happy and hurt cause I care rather than stay away, hurt cause I won't care. (did that make any sense?) anyway….Im following all friends who adviced me to just make him feel I exist…even if I just exist whenever he needs someone who'll listen…I thought Id jump with joy when he told me not to mind his status change in friendster…it wsa nothing according to him…but when I told him I met the girl I thought he liked….finally he admitted to me that he truly feels for that friend I just met…how crazy….cause he told me he couldnt keep it from me…I said, I knew it since the day he started sharing things about her…..hurray…now Im love counselor to that guy I so care about….okay…to sum it up: Sentigurl: Alone + Saying Goodbye + Fate + Love = Same old Story…..

On Leaving it all up to the MASTER. Some stories though change its plot when a good scriptwriter takes over…..Last tuesday was tongues workshop…and I truly received the gift from the holy spirit…It made me shed buckets of tears….for I am most unworthy of it….still I am so blessed that I literally felt my heart soften….I dont know how much change that worshop brought in my life but one thing's for sure…it rekindled my relationship with my best friend Jesus Christ….

Maybe this is the reason why despite of all the hurt and pain, the anxiety and the weariness of the week that has passed….and the anticipated ones…I stil feel strong…maybe a whole lot stronger than ever….and Im leaving it all up to the MASTER.

"No longer I But Christ" Gal 2:20

Before I end this "short" blog of mine I am writing down my last insight on COMMITMENT: (FOR MEDICINE GLEE CLUB MEMBERS SPECIFICALLY)

When I entered SFC I commited myself to Christ once more….and so with that I give all the time I COULD give to serve His people through Music Ministry, CLPs, Talks and Households….
Nobody forced me into joining, with my own free will I did. I may not have that clear reasons for sticking to this family but I did….cause in my heart I know we dont need that much reasons if we love enough.

I joined MGC cause I wanted to try it out….how it is to be in a choir….but in the process its not only just an organization for me….not a stressful "excess baggage" while in the midst of this turmoil called med….not a waste of time, time that I could just simply spend studying or with my family….Years back, I look forward to fridays cause I could go home to Laguna and see them…or sometimes I love it cause we have subsec nightouts after a tremendous hell week…but as days passed it all changed…. I await fridays with excitement cause I know by 5:00 pm I'd be sharing beautiful music with the best Glee Club for me… yes it is the best for me, not only do we have the talents but we are WOULD BE DOCTORS….people who can sing and become MDs at the same time….but what's more important, this is the group Ive learned to love so much. If I didnt love enough I would have left last year, when Venger was still harassing me to the fullest, when another conductor did not think I could do it….when my grades started to go down…..If i didnt love enough i could have just opted a simpler life, study study study till I drop and get higher grades….If I didnt love enough I would just go home to laguna after class….@ 3pm…and spend more time with my mom. BUT I COMMITED myself to the group….. I married MGC. That's why I am here

If everyone could just love more……and think, that this is not just an organization you could leave behind but a family who needs you more than you do…. then everyone who entered the door wouldnt slam it upon leaving…. We dont actually need all the above reasons to stay, if you could just love enough….you would