end of 2009: reflections of a pseudomd

It is during these days that I ponder on this thought….
why did I choose to become a doctor…when I could have opted a more simpler life…. a life wherein you are not obliged to spend your weekends…your birthdays…your christmases…and all the other important events..on duty….answering ward calls…taking care of the sick…even if you yourself was too ill….
where I could easily say yes to every invitations/gimiks/parties……without batting an eyelash…where I am not excluded in the picture takings…..where I wont be regarded as a snob…who doesnt reply to textmessages because I was too busy stitching a lacerated wound or explaining a prescription to an illiterate patient…or failing to answer calls because you are too preoccupied with inserting an IV line to a patient about to undergo an emergency appendectomy/ blood transfusion or chemotherapy….

When my cousin told me years back, when I was still an incoming medical student, that he regrets entering medicine….that I should think first a lot of times before I submerge myself into this profession…I was puzzled…why would I ever doubt my choice….when I know being a physician is one of the noblest task there is…When he said it is really difficult….I thought…if I love what Im doing then nothing could be that hard….

But now….now that I am spending new year’s eve alone….in the company of the ghosts inside this recovery room of lcp….waiting for surgery intern calls….waiting waiting…ever hoping that the time would run so fast until its time to go home….When I left my house this morning…I was teary eyed…no…tears were falling from my eyes….saying goodbye to my mom…asking our neighbor to party louder so that their noise will reach my home…with only my brother and my mom waiting for the clock to strike at 12 midnight….Its painful….

That if I did not choose to become an md…I could be there at home, preparing food with my mom for media noche….whats harder…at times when Im on duty….I think about the lost times….Now Im thinking how many new years eve could there be left for my mom and I when I know she’s not getting any younger….my tears fall….for all the times that I could be there for her….making her laugh….because I miss her…and my whole family terribly….

I didnt mind going back and forth from laguna to quezon city and back this whole holiday season….i dont care if I look like a racoon now because of lack of sleep….The holidays must be spent with your family and loved ones…..so Im enduring the traffic/the exhaustion….and everything else….because I need to be home…..

Anyway… why did I choose to become a doctor?
…Because it is my childhood dream….because it is what my dad and I dreamed of when he was still with us….because it is still…after all one of the noblest task there is….
and if its worth not going home to your families during holidays and special occasions….
maybe not so…..but I m sure theyd understand….and I sure hope to be immune to this one day….

So For today…I would endure this longing to be home for media noche….
Cure the sick….Save lives….
And hope that next new year’s eve I would not be on duty anymore….

At the end of the day…quite sad as it may seem..but fulfilling in every sense…that’s the irony of being an md….

Thoracic Cardiovascular Surgery Intern on Duty,
Maria Rowena T. Vierneza M.D
Lic no: soon *crossed fingers*

~end of reflections of a pseudomd~
 

crying spells….

…..

sad day

i lost money again….:’( i know it was my fault…my carelessness…..but it was just for a few minutes…that I forgot it was in my bag, at the OR dressing room….Its nothing compared to how I try with all my might to save money….It hurts too much even it its just a material thing….whoever stole it didnt know that I skip morning meals and meriendas just to stretch my allowance for one week and pay for my sun bill….plus laundry….and trike fare everyday…. how i think a couple of times first what food to buy and if i can afford it…. I am not rich….. and I am an inch close to being called poor….:’( But now I have nothing left to do but accept the fact that some people just wouldnt care wherever the money they use to feed their families come from…..that to a hungry mouth whether you are rich or not wont matter, just as long as they see an opportunity to have money the easiest and fastest they can….

 enough of that….

at least I have free wifi (umm connection?) ……haii… at least i have a laptop (even if it has no audio, and its hard drive is jsut 2gig–any usb can store much more space….haiii……at least I am an MD….that…. I think is the only thing that can compensate for all the difficulties in life I experience….that even if I have no money….I was able to graduate at the best medical school in the Philli…that I obtained my md within 4 years…that no matter how much money or material things can be stolen from me, my being a doctor of medicine wont ever be taken away from me…..

Life can really be unfair sometimes…I mean why cant this kleptos and snatchers and picpockets just get money from those who are well off and can afford to lose some (Im bad, I know) no—or why do they ever exist in this world I just pray that the right punishment would be served for them when the TIME comes……

haiiii….

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LOnely sentigurl…. I miss my friends…..whoever they are…. I miss having someone to call me because she has some juicy stuffs to share….I dunno…..in the course…..I think I lost everyone…..im just being pathetic again i know….its just that it gives me so much heartache whenever Im here alone in my apt and nobody even bothers to ring me….txt me….. what’s wrong with me….why cant i be loved as much by my friends…where are they now??

Now, even if i have a boyfriend…..im still incomplete…..because i dont have any confidantes anymore….that one whom I can call all the time and will answer in an instant….those people who will call me back because their days wont be complete without hearing me…and laughing with me…..

I know I have him……but nowadays I really am doubtful of him and that “friend” of his….I dont know…I hope im just being too suspicious…I hope there really is no basis to these doubts in my mind…..because I dont know what I can do if all these are true….

why cant I ever be loved as much…..

IM sad……….really sad….i hope the pain goes away soon…….

:’(

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oo00oo

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….kaloka

being happy

is a choice….

but i think i have just a lot of hangups in my life that i fail to pick this most of the time….

i am swallowed by this gigantic wave of frustrations, disappointments, pain and sorrow……..that i fail to see the heavens above this ocean of turmoils….

i neglect the fact that I am alive, my family loves me….I am an MD and I have Christian…………..

plus the selected few…..trustworthy friends……

and my dear God….

I am so doubtful….so ungrateful…….

I tend to dwell on the darker shade of life…..not realizing that there is a rainbow on the other side of it

Im so sorry for being so full of melancholy

….i will really try…….

harder…..

to be happy…..