end of 2009: reflections of a pseudomd

It is during these days that I ponder on this thought….
why did I choose to become a doctor…when I could have opted a more simpler life…. a life wherein you are not obliged to spend your weekends…your birthdays…your christmases…and all the other important events..on duty….answering ward calls…taking care of the sick…even if you yourself was too ill….
where I could easily say yes to every invitations/gimiks/parties……without batting an eyelash…where I am not excluded in the picture takings…..where I wont be regarded as a snob…who doesnt reply to textmessages because I was too busy stitching a lacerated wound or explaining a prescription to an illiterate patient…or failing to answer calls because you are too preoccupied with inserting an IV line to a patient about to undergo an emergency appendectomy/ blood transfusion or chemotherapy….

When my cousin told me years back, when I was still an incoming medical student, that he regrets entering medicine….that I should think first a lot of times before I submerge myself into this profession…I was puzzled…why would I ever doubt my choice….when I know being a physician is one of the noblest task there is…When he said it is really difficult….I thought…if I love what Im doing then nothing could be that hard….

But now….now that I am spending new year’s eve alone….in the company of the ghosts inside this recovery room of lcp….waiting for surgery intern calls….waiting waiting…ever hoping that the time would run so fast until its time to go home….When I left my house this morning…I was teary eyed…no…tears were falling from my eyes….saying goodbye to my mom…asking our neighbor to party louder so that their noise will reach my home…with only my brother and my mom waiting for the clock to strike at 12 midnight….Its painful….

That if I did not choose to become an md…I could be there at home, preparing food with my mom for media noche….whats harder…at times when Im on duty….I think about the lost times….Now Im thinking how many new years eve could there be left for my mom and I when I know she’s not getting any younger….my tears fall….for all the times that I could be there for her….making her laugh….because I miss her…and my whole family terribly….

I didnt mind going back and forth from laguna to quezon city and back this whole holiday season….i dont care if I look like a racoon now because of lack of sleep….The holidays must be spent with your family and loved ones…..so Im enduring the traffic/the exhaustion….and everything else….because I need to be home…..

Anyway… why did I choose to become a doctor?
…Because it is my childhood dream….because it is what my dad and I dreamed of when he was still with us….because it is still…after all one of the noblest task there is….
and if its worth not going home to your families during holidays and special occasions….
maybe not so…..but I m sure theyd understand….and I sure hope to be immune to this one day….

So For today…I would endure this longing to be home for media noche….
Cure the sick….Save lives….
And hope that next new year’s eve I would not be on duty anymore….

At the end of the day…quite sad as it may seem..but fulfilling in every sense…that’s the irony of being an md….

Thoracic Cardiovascular Surgery Intern on Duty,
Maria Rowena T. Vierneza M.D
Lic no: soon *crossed fingers*

~end of reflections of a pseudomd~