thoughts of a would-be spinster

im tired…. of hoping and wishing that one day someone would come along and wash all the pains of yesterday and today away……

i dont know….everytime I see wall posts in facebook about people getting married/engaged/pregnant/ changing status from single into in a relationship…. it gives me that certain pang in the heart….. why my life didnt turn out that way. Why I am not one of those selected few who were blessed with the one

why my love story ended that way…… why I have to meet the wrong person over and over again. why I have to love someone whose love for me didnt even last half a decade….. why I have to develop feelings I couldnt name for someone who is already committed but who doesnt know what committment means…….

I am, right now devastatingly certain that the one for me isnt really there……

I should just probably get used to being alone and learn how to live a life without thinking about that possibility that someday, someone would indeed come and love me for real. love me for eternity….love me and me alone.

No,  all my hopes just died now….. and yes I sound oh so bitter, but then no one could really blame me eh…..?

Im tired….. really tired…..

and it hurts…

so bad 

prebday blues…

in about 23 hours ill be turning 27….haiii…. im getting old…..

last year I vowed that ill be happy and merry on my natal day in 2012, because I was truly miserable at that time….

the past few days I told myself ill face my bday with a smile and a contented heart.

But really its just so easy to say that i will make myself happy tomorrow because lastyear was one of the worst bdays Ive had….. but now that its nearing 012412, all i can say is that I feel so empty…. :I maybe all these time I was just trying to appear that everything is ok, im glad to hear people making comments such as I seem more mature now and that they should thank that person who just left for that……

I honestly could not feel the same way right now….. because at this very moment, I feel sad……. i am sad…… sad to celebrate this year without that person I spent 4 bdays with…well 3 happy bdays and an awful one…..but no actually, more than that thought….its that feeling that for another year ill be spending it missing the feeling of being loved so much on that day by someone….. having one person to say “happy bday and I love you……” and maybe for the next years to come itll be the same…..

haaiiii,maybe another painful reality is that tomorrow, on my special day, id also miss that someone…him…that person ive beem missing for a few weeks now…. and although I never felt that I love him…still a huge part of me yearns to see/ catch a glimpse of that person….. that person who never saw me the same way I see him…… that person Im not in love with…..but I could not get off my systems…..

another thing is that dread to see that damned person on my supposedly happy day….. i dont want to see her because right now there’s jsut too much hate in my heart for her….how unfortunate can I get to be on duty with that person on the day I should be happy :I

haiiii….I have a gazillion of hangups on this approaching day, but then again….. im still hoping that somehow in someway, my family and close friends can make all these hurt and negative vibes disappear tomorrow…..still wishing that tomorrow would be better than last year….. :I

advance “happy” bday to me…. advance “happier” bday to me….. *crossedfingers*

Why I fell for an idiot

Its all better now…now that Im seeing things clearly….

I was so devastated from ending a relationship that doesn’t even exist in the first place….

All these time we were looking at the picture, our picture, and we don’t see it the same way…

Its only now that I knew what really is going on inside his head….

There was never an US for him, that’s why its just all easy for him to say we should remain friends

I fooled myself into believing that we had something, that we just cant be what I hoped we’ll be because he has a kid…and a pseudowife……

Little did I know of the fact that in his life I was just merely an acquaintance….short of saying we just had a casual sex……and it’s all there is for him….. what’s different is that we work in the same place, and he had the chance to still mingle with, and flirt with that stupid, pathetic, gullible girl he devirginized. 

This is indeed my stop….id truly stop torturing myself, and move on because there really was nothing to hold on to anyways…. Yes indeed. This is all but just a bad dream and now Im truly waking up…..

No more silly trips toward that surgery ward where he works, …..will just pass by whenever surgical referrals come…..and hope that he  isn’t there….no he wont see me looking his way anymore…..

He is nothing but an idiotic asshole who doesn’t deserve even a split millisecond of my time……will face my day, my tomorrow with a bruised ego but a better self….. and when my birthday comes…. Ill be happy…. Unlike last year when somebody ruined it by making me feel worthless…..

Why I fell for a fucking idiot….no I don’t know and I will never understand…….but it wont be for long…..I will move on and far away from him…..pick up the pieces of my trashed dignity and forget that such person ever existed……