why

been reading my previous posts….and I cant help but cry….

he used to love me so much…woudnt allow a day to pass not telling me he loves me….

and when I get mad…he stumbles down….telling me how sorry he was….and how much I mean to him….

That was a year ago…..

NOw that we were together for two years and 2 months…he has changed….

CHanged a lot that I can no longer assure myself that he still loves me…

When I get mad…he’ll ignore me…

Whne I confront him, he’ll be even madder…

When I turn sweet, he remains civil…no sweet words…no i love yous anymore…..

No text msgs…no phone calls….no effort in meeting me….

When he meets me, I feel its just an obligation and not his own free will….

What’s wrong with us… is it still worth staying….

Or have I been alone all this time……

~~~~

rants

its scary how somethings….or someone could have the power to hurt you to the fullest without them realizing it…How one person's gestures could mean a lot to you while it didnt even matter a bit to that person….How you awfully yearn to be with that someone when he doesn't care if you're there or not…..how that someone could mean the world to you when in his realm you don't even exist…

Its crazy how the world turns, you fall for someone who falls for another who falls for someone else who likes another….and the cycle goes on… i hate being in this circle, the wheel doesnt want to give up on me….No no you girl, you'll be in this for eternity….puzuhm..STOOOOP!

I can't take this anymore…

To you: dont bug me anymore….making me believe you care for a second and another you dont…

how i wish you could really read this and realize you are the one im pertaining to…

I hate the way you ignore me when you were the first to do things to make me notice you….

I hate you cause you don't even know that I care just so much and you take me for granted…

But I hate myself more for giving you the power to cause me this much pain.

for this moment

just for this moment….allow me to pour this all out…

just for this moment…i am crying because of him

My heart is all smashed right now….

Asking me to wait so I did…

But he never came back…

he could have easily said goodbye but he asked me to wait

and the silly masochistic individual that I am, I did…..

ive long been waiting for us to be able to talk…

And I terribly miss him that's why I took this chance…

sentimeeh (7/21/2007 7:56:45 PM): hi
********* (7/21/2007 8:13:57 PM): hi
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:16:40 PM): musta?
*********(7/21/2007 8:17:02 PM): ok lng
*********(7/21/2007 8:17:08 PM): wait lang
*********(7/21/2007 8:21:21 PM): hi ulit
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:22:47 PM): hi agn…
********* (7/21/2007 8:23:32 PM): doing sumthing?
********* (7/21/2007 8:23:52 PM): ctc?
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:24:13 PM): im just done with it…
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:24:20 PM): ok lng…
********* (7/21/2007 8:25:45 PM): how are you?
********* (7/21/2007 8:25:54 PM): doin good?
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:26:52 PM): ok naman….the past week sobrang pagod ko…and now, nkpagrest na….pero start ulit nxt wk haha
********* (7/21/2007 8:28:31 PM): don't abuse yourself….
********* (7/21/2007 8:28:42 PM): mamya singilin k nyan
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:29:42 PM): di naman msydo, but yea…i tend to….di maiwasn e…gnn tlg….
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:30:08 PM): ikaw din….sobra ka n aral….di k n ata ngrrest…
*********(7/21/2007 8:31:15 PM): di pa namn. i haven't pushed myself
*********(7/21/2007 8:31:22 PM): to the limit
*********(7/21/2007 8:31:58 PM): did ust win?
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:32:13 PM): okie…
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:32:39 PM): against up ba? yea…i think 7 pts ang lead…
********* (7/21/2007 8:35:15 PM): naghousehold n kyo?
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:35:35 PM): yea, twice na…
sentimeeh (7/21/2007 8:35:39 PM): kyo?
*********(7/21/2007 8:36:23 PM): kmi di pa…. kinda bc ang mga tao
********* (7/21/2007 8:36:46 PM): can't squeeze time
********* (7/21/2007 8:37:17 PM): wait lang tlga…….

im so overly melodramatic i know….

when he didnt reply at once, i deleted all his msgs in my inbox….

but he should have ignored me totally then….

i guess this is really where I stop…

Ive done my part…

And this book I will just close…

He doesnt deserve my tears….

I don't deserve all the pain that he brought me…. 

And to that letting go state I am once more….

:' ( 

haiiiii he went online again…

roller coaster of emotions….

ayoko na…

ayoko na… 

dealing with it

i have a hard time dealing with it…maybe i was born with scarce endorphins and low tolerance…..

i feel so much….every single thing affects me to the fullest

Even if it's supposed to be an emotional pain, I feel it physically….it mimics  myocardial infarction pain….or maybe as worst as a dissecting aneursym….and I dont know how to take it…

I really dont know why I grew up this way….

maybe his loss truly made me a weak individual….my dad's loss.. that somebody's loss…..

my heart is just so dried up right now….

I miss him…and I have to let him go….

because going on with this longing feeling is tantamount to more disastrous consequences later on…

haiii why did you allow me to know him, and feel the pain again oh Lord…:'(

48 hours without good sleep does this to me…

plus 2 weeks of not seeing nor communicating with that someone I just met, but left me with all the memories so hard to forget…

…..feet cemented on this street……..its excruciatingly painful to be back here…….