valentine’s day gloom
February 14, 2010im not single…
therefore, iwont be spending my valentines day alone….
but Im not really all that happy….
call me ungrateful……
but I just cant get over the fact that he once thought he loved me much less than before….
that he once…or twice…or God knows how many times he wanted to let me go each time we fight….
How I cannot really be assured that he loves me as much no matter what he says….
…I guess I couldnt feel it….
that I am as important in his life as he is to mine….
Maybe I would keep on waiting for the day he will say goodbye…..because I dont think he’s holding me as tight….
and his grip could loosen up…in a blink of an eye….if the tide gets too high…
I dont really know if I still believe him when He says he loves me…..
Things arent the way it were before…..
Happy valentine’s day to me…. :’(
wallowing in sadness
June 6, 2009why do i fail to post here…when this is the only place where nobody can criticize me for what I say….where I can say anything I want without fear of being rejected…
i missed this blog…i miss the times when I write here everytime I need to spill things out…
one month of OB internship at East ave has passed…its a lot of hardwork….duty days are sooo toxic…..not to mkention the nurses and even the nurse aids who doesnt treat you right
Intern me: Ma’am nandito daw po ba sa ward si Remandaban?
NUrse 1: —– (wala akong naririnig)
Internme: Ma’am si Remandaban po…
Nurse 1: —-(deadma lang ako tuloy sa pagchacharting)
Internme: Ma’am….si Remandaban nandito sa ward (a litter higher octave level)
NUrse 2: Hay nako doctora, lagi ka talagang lost. walang Remandaban dito
ai sorry ha pinapatanong lang kasi sakin yun ng residente namin…Doctora. este Ma’am pala. bawal magtanong…tsk
yea…the nurses there seem to have perforated tympanic membranes…they love to ignore you at all times…PLUS a number of them are obnoxious.
and if its not enough some aides are…such pains in the ass
Internme: Ma’am pwede p pasingit sa chart nito (labs) thnaks po
Nurse aide: ai doctora kayo ang magsisingit nyan
Nurse supervisor : ai doctora trabaho nyo yan kayo ang gumawa…di kami utusan
Intern me: e ma’am ako na po ang kumuha nyan sa baba diba kayo po talaga ang kumukuha nun
Nurse aide: eh ma’am sya na daw po ang kumuha
NUrse supervisor: ai doctora trabaho nyo yan wag nyo ipasa samin
and the nurse aide rolls her eyes….shet irapan daw ba ako….tsk buhay
one midwife pushes a patient’s wheelchair not even minding me…talgang babanggain nako ng bonggangbongga
mga adik mga tao dito sa eamc…:(
being a PGI, you wil never earn their respect, to them you are just the intern na wala pang licensya…kung minsan parang sarcastic pa sa pandinig mo ang pagtawag nila syo ng doctora…
and if its not the worse….one patient…”pay” patient almost made me quit DOH internship…..I was monitoring her Fetal heart tones q1,( hourly) noticing that she is irritable everytime she has topull up herhospital gown for me to hear her baby’s heart….irita na because she has to wake up all the time..even if I was told by the consultant na wag na sya gisingin, i couldnt coz she wraps her body with a blanket and sleeps on her left….. i mean, I had no choice but to dsiturb her sleep… and she was practically sleeping the whole day… at 3am…an hour after she wentto the Dr for her BID Non-stress test (Electronic fetal monitoring ) I went inside her room to monitor her
internme: ma’a,m pakinggan ko lang po ang baby nyo
patient: hawak sa ulo, bugnot, kakatapos ko lang mag NST eh
internme: ma’am if you want po not to be montiored hourly, you can tell me and ill tell the residents po.
patient: blahblahs, iritable na talga
interme: blahblahs, trying to explain the situation
patient: Ai wag ka na magsalita, sumasakit ang ulo ko!
internme: (as calmly as possible)……ma’am nopt because youre a pay patient you could talk to me like that,,,,
patient: turned hysterical…waaah waaah! blahblah…..YOURE JUST AN INTERN!!!! tawagin mo ang nurse! wah wah blahs..calls her husband, waah wahh ung intern blahblahblah
internme: ma’am sorry na po…im sincerely apologizing na po for what ive sadi (eksaherado ka, tsk)
patient: hinde wag ka na magsorry wag ka na magsalita…aaargggh….hysterical pa din….
internme: (kulang na lang lumuhod, natakot sa sanction) sorry na po sorry na sorry
patient waaaah! hindeeeee blahblahblah
haaii….lumabas na lang ang kawawang intern, oras oras na nga nagpapakahirap para imonitor ang pasyente para lang maksiguradong ligtas ang babay nya dahil mataas ang kanyang prsyon….ayun, na shut up pa at nasabihan ng youre just an intern…..kulang na lang lumuhod sa pasyente….
nasaan na ang 8 taon kong pinagaralan…..at ang MD>…….kung para sa mga pay patient isa ka lang hamak na intern. utusan. kaya wala ng respeto…
:’(
sa charity ward:
patient: miss miss, ate, pa tape naman nito ( IV line nya)
intern me: (naka white coat and all) —-( sadness….)
mahirap ang buhay ng PGI, alanganin kasi kami e, parang doktor na hindi, may m.d nga pro wala namang lisensya…….. malungkot pag nasisigwan ng pasyente, ng bantay, nasusungitan ng nurse….ng aide, ng residente
for most of them….WE are just interns….pero ok lang…..after one year….sana….tunay na maging doctor na ako….
and all these will pay off…..
………………im really sad right now……………………….
same old story pa din…. sya at ang mga bagay na hindi nya kaya gawin….
ang lungkot Christian….lagi na lang ba ganito :’(
depression to the highest level
April 26, 20094 more days before graduation day…..
i never imagined that id still be on the same boat even if i already have the much coveted md…..ive been through a lot….still going through some more….
…
September 28, 2008i dont have any luck with friends…
oftentimes…i wonder what wrong i have done to deserve all the hurt i am feeling from my so-called friends…
bakit i have trouble finding true ones….?
i am glad i have one or two i could call true…..
and one person i could call my love and my bestfriend….
i guess im still lucky after all…..
–break–
October 19, 2007im so damn scared about radio….
haiiiii…..
i can't sleep….my life depends on whatever grade Id get on the subject that has been bugging me for months….I hope they would be considerate enough later…..in a few hours my fate would be sealed…wah….
I hope God grants me this one….I know I haven't been the best daughter these days…I do not stick to my prayer time….and some more things so unlikely for someone who has been baptized the second, the third time….I've been bad….but I hope my punishment won't be as grave as not passing that dreadful subject….
Im soooooo scared I feel like Im standing on a top of a pyramid maintaining my balance….haiiiiiii Im holding on to the the clouds while I'm here….Im hanging on to you my Lord…..
~~~~
Sembreak….
and with a heartache…
that was the shoutout that I posted in friendster two days before….and my kada asked me why….they werent aware.
aware of that certain feeling that has grown on me for the past four months….
it doesn't really make sense….how one person you've been with for just a week can cause you that much hurt…i don't know…
maybe Im just tired…..tired of how the world turns for me….and how things never work out the way I've always wanted….for so many years I am just standing in this street all alone….thinking that I am better off this way, IF only some people don't pass by, stop in front of me then walk past, without looking back…..Im good being the way I am…single….if I just don't meet anyone and then the same old story unfolds….
my guy friends tell me I should do something about this….that I should make whoever he is aware of my feelings and all…..but Im not desperate enough to do this….If I had that guts to maybe I ve done it waaay before….but no, it wouldnt work that way….I would savor all the hurt and the pain and all the anguish of liking someone from afar and I would never stoop to that level….
maybe I really am destined to be like this…..well maybe someone else would come along one day….but its not about meeting him some other time…..its about today, and how for the nth time reality hits you with that one truth, the person you wanted to be the One is not.
so what's really the reason behind all these gibberish….
I met someone that I really liked….and now he is already in a relationship…I know this would happen one day soon….I just didnt expect that itd be at the time when my feelings for him reached its peak…I cried again the same cry I did years ago….and I think I must be really hurt to shed tears that much…..
oh well….then again….I must be that tired.
~~~
a lot of things happened in a span of almost two months that I did not post anything here…..got really busy….with school stuff…with glee club….with SFC…. with my barkada….and with my family….hope I have a digicam with me cause those things were truly worth looking back to…but anyway….I have this blog, and my hippocampus for reminiscing…
school works galore…..examsexamsexams……then Medweek….MGC encountered some nasty experiences then….MGC was not treated with respect in most of our perfomances that week….and I wouldnt narrate anymore how mistreated we were…..but I hope I could be given a chance to let them know how bad we felt….haiii…..anyway, God granted us with something to compensate for all the bad experiences that week….we performed with The New minstrels last Oct 16…and it was really great…singing Crazy for you, Temio's Only you and my ever favorite Ikaw lang ang mamahalin for the kind of audience we had that night even if its not that huge….was one memory worth keeping. The Medicine Glee Club was well appreciated that night 
and we owe that performance to the new members and of course the oldies…haha….We owe it to ourselves …..weh……some of us…IRENE/CHA/ERWIN/FRED/CLOU bonded some more after that and belted our lungs out at music match….then I got crazy and went to Irene's….even if there's showing of grades at 7am, the next day…what we did in her apt…?…..haha just laughed all night…..tnx IRENE
SFC…..its sad cause most of my batchmates/groupmates dont attend anymore…..but each time I go there even if there's exam the next day or I lack sleep, is really fun….I get to meet new friends….and more importantly I could make up for the times that I neglect HIM…..I love SFC…..
October 12 was my aunt's 50th bday….I sang for her 5 times…haha…and I danced with a D.I…..some chacha…and the song…"Sway" haiiii that song….then Tagaytay Sunday, cause its my mom and aunt's bdayceleb…..I really wasnt able to study for the last 3 subjects of my Finals…..Monday, October15 was my mom's bday, and I had to leave and go back to manila cause its psych exam….haiii…sad abt it cause it was the first that I didnt spend with her….anyways…..LUV U MOMMY SOOOO MUCH
My barkada….I m happy that we have more bondings these months….even if there's exam the next day I always come….even if I bring my book my handouts and notes with me wherever we go (as my security blanket)….mostly at SM Sta.Rosa…weh…but we got as far as Paseo de Sta.Rosa…and mind you we reached Los Banos (the weekend before finals)….but there's a sad reason behind that trip….Rod's leaving for Australia on the 20th…..it was his despedida…..sad….really….
there are soooo much to tell….but well nobody would waste their time reading those…..I just feel like sharing these…and how my life was for the past two months….
…which brings me back to that problem…..RADIO…..a little later on…..haiiiiii….but I have to rest….so I will stop here……haiiii……
~fin
—
August 12, 2007sometimes….i wonder what I have done wrong in my life to deserve all the resentments…..all these unwantedness…..that feeling of being so all alone in this realm….
i catch myself caring….just so that it hurts to the tiniest bits cause I have never been cared for the same way…
even the people i hardly ever thought i would even notice…brings me this pain once things turn 180 degrees….
its always been like this …..
I care….and they don't…..
i hope ill wake up one day being as cold as the fridge…..so that i won't ever have to feel this way anymore.
its raining again
July 12, 2007is it due to hormones….why i suddenly blurted it all out….and worst….to someone from the group
maybe he was totally confused…maybe he got irritated….senxa na kito….i cant stand it anymore
gone are the days when i could easily talk to anyone of them….just about everything…..now i have to weigh each and every single thing I say….I couldnt even show my true emotions to them…i dont even share whatever it is i really wanted to….
gone is the group i used to love so much….
cause now I only see them as the group I have to love….since I would share the rest of my med days with them
maybe they just wouldnt see the me a few people cared for….
and i just stopped hoping that they ever would…..
i hope i just dont feel this much…..
cause tomorrow I have two exams….and emotions shouldnt get in the way of studying…..
haiii…..hope the sun shines again after a couple of minutes…..
:'(
today
April 24, 2007i think i need to post something….anything….
i can't sleep…
something's bothering me…
maybe because today is…
….just another day….
i wanted to come up with an intelligent post but i cant
maybe because…***
….blogs cant really replace diaries….cant say everything here….
its really hard when you have to act like you aren't feeling anything…but at the end of the day, when you're about to sleep…you face the reality….alone….
….haaiiii bakit ko ba kc naalala…..
today is….
…and i think i wanna cry..
sentigurl's post is totally confusing…..
.
