Thursday, August 5, 2010

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

I love you....so much that it hurts deeply cause I cannot tell you how much anymore...I don't know where I stand in your life right now.. Before the results of  my board exams came out, I was dead sure of one thing...if God could just grant me one dream, Id choose my career, I could stand being alone forever than not pass the boards....

But now that I've already passed...the emptiness in my heart is still here...the pain of not knowing if the love has truly died or has it been revived even just a bit...is killing me even more...truly a human being has no contentment...but I couldn't help it...

Everyone has this strong opinion...break it up with him....but I am not losing hope that afterall, his touch, his kisses still meant the same...as it were 2 years and 8 mos back...

I still pray that its still him and me in the end...

yesterday the girl who caused all these mayhem watched his championship game...I wanted to slap her face and smudge it to the grounds...yes, I'm still the winner, because I was the one he brought home together with his family...I was the one who slept in his bed...I was the one who stayed in his arms to console him for his loss....but I can never be sure if I am still the one in his heart....I don't know if after everything that I've done for him...after all these years...that girl has taken over my place in his heart...thus making her the true winner...

I don't know...and I don't have the strength to know...to ask him.... 

I guess I would just wait....for the time he would say he loves me again...or the time he'll say that he wants to leave me again...

Lord God...I love him

I love Raymon Christian so much....  

I am now a licensed Physician….after 25 years, I attained this one dream I prayed for all my life…..

It all started when I was just 5 years old….I told my Daddy that I want to become a doctor, just like most kids when asked what they want to be in the future….only I was a little more certain….a little more determined….and then he started to dream with me….but he left us a little bit too soon…but I never ceased dreaming…..

My mom struggled to give us a comfortable life….until a great storm, literally, made things harder for us….I had 3 educational plans prepared…supposed to be for medicine proper but we had to no choice but to use all three during premed at my dream school….I graduated from Bio after 4 years…armed with nothing but a strong will to become a doctor…I was accepted at the best medical school….with one question, how could I afford the cost of my expensive dream….

Looking back….my life in medicine was not easy, in fact, saying that it was hard is an understatement…I am not an achiever, with just an average intellect, and perseverance I faced all the difficult exams….passed the dreaded subjects…I was lucky enough cause I didn’t have to buy books because my cousin gave me all the med books he have….but then again… while most classmates worry about passing alone….I worry about passing and not being able to enroll for the next semester due to lack of finances…. I tried to apply for a scholarship but it was not granted since my grades did not qualify for one…..during those times…I turn to God, and he faithfully fulfill his promise….Just when I thought we couldn’t raise enough money for the next enrollment….God sends His angels to support me with my education….moreso….my mom had to part with her most precious possessions a times when funds were truly scarce….

And then…Revalida….God is indeed gracious for He allowed me to pass the written revalida…exempting me from the 1^st part of the orals….I was fortunate because Im not really that confident with my oral skills…Through the intercession of my patron, St. Jude, And His unrelenting love, I passed….I was even more determined to strive harder for the next step, since the head of my tribunal told me, that I should not take the august 2010 boards yet because surely I will fail… because yes, I messed up with my orals….but I did pass, and then the degree was conferred to us…. Doctor of Medicine

Internship with the DOH Integration Program was one of the best decisions I made, I have learned a lot of things that molded me into a more competent and stronger individual.

Reviewing for the boards was the most tiring, grueling part of my life, apprehensions, anxieties, while trying to retain all the information we need to learn for 12 subjects in such a short span of time….reviewing while mending a heartache…..crying spells almost twice a week…almost losing one person I loved so much…while trying to memorize the Kreb’s cycle…

Asthma exacerbation when Basyang caused another flood in our house and we needed to clean up all the mud and mess it caused… More and more fear realizing that days were ticking away…

More tears after the first week of exam….I was not able to study well enough for the 2^nd week anymore….being the usual me, with low E.Q…I kept on thinking about the wrong answers I have….and then the 3 agonizing days of waiting….palpitations, sleepless nights, nausea, retching….those days were the longest, worst days of my life….But at 7:30 pm when my friend called me up to inform me of the sweetest news I have ever received….

All my thanks to the people behind my success….

Thank you so much to my “angels” the Good souls, who helped me reach my goal:

Ninong Toto Tanael

Tita Baby and Tito Rudy Alora

Tito Fely Vierneza

Lolo Ito Olivarez

Ninang Lita Ortega

Tita Emy and Tito Neil Orteza

Tito Edwin Olivarez

Ninang Cynthia Alora

Tito Eric Olivarez

Tito Jessie and Tita Lucy Alora

Tito Oscar and Tita Tessie Alora

Ill forever be indebted to all of you for your great help…. J

Kuya P.A for the books, and the advices

My Alma mater Canossa School, for the moral upbringing… for instilling in us the spirit of a true Canossian, a fighter,  a strong willed go-getter J

My GS and HS classmates and friends, My Barkada, Fictioneras, Gi, Em, Pia, Jane, Cai…you guys are the best…I love and miss you all….

My Bio Professors, My Bio Classmates and friends, Chi, thank you for all the help, we did it! J Claire, Maemae, JLo, 4E!

My UST YFC, Campus Based family, you kept me sane during pre-med….

Section D, D6…For all the highs and lows of medicine life with you….

UST Medicine Glee Club, for the beautiful melodies we shared, Medlife became a lot easier because of you, Irene,you’ve been a great friend….thank you for everything…

Thomasian Doctors-Mentors, we wouldn’t be where we are now if we weren’t trained by the best…thank you for molding us into Compassionate, Competent, and Committed Thomasian Physicians…

My SFC WestB1b: Ate evan, and all my kuyas, ates, bros and sisses, thank you for all the prayers….For your care and support

Nanay Susan, my neuropatient, whenever I receive a msg from you, I always smile and tell myself, I must have done something right in clerkship. You have taught me a lot about patient care, I thank you and pray that you are now happy with the Lord up there in the heavens…..

East Avenue Medical Center, PCMC, Philippine Heart Center, NKTI, Lung Center of the Philippines: Doctors, Residents, Colleagues, one of the most memorable year in my life was spent in the 4 corners of these hospitals, thank you for the best internship year, ever…

Ninang Teena, Tita Rizz, Tita Emelit, Tito Monchie, Tita Ester, all my aunts and uncles, Gi, Dhel, Ate Gwen, Ate Corie, Kuya Wes, and all my cousins, Thank you for all the prayers and  for always believing in me…Nanay, Tatay, Ate Cindy, thank you for whispering my success to our Dear God, I miss you and I love you….

Christian, Thank you for staying….for all the care….thank you for being right there by my side all these years….To your family, for accepting me as their own…

Ate, Kuya, Jessica, you guys are my driving force to achieve my goal…thank you for all the love and support

Daddy, I love you, we did it!! I am now a doctor…. thank you for dreaming with me….for instilling within me that spirit, for being my inspiration to be what I wanted to be ever since I was your little girl, seated on your lap….I know you’re beaming with pride now, thank you for all the love Daddy, I miss you….

Mommy, More than mine, this victory is yours, I owe you my life, my success, You gave me everything you have, you sacrificed every single thing for me, even your own health just for me to be where I am now….I hope I made you proud….I hope I was able to give you back even a portion of what you gave for me to achieve this dream….All our hard work and tears paid off…. I love you mommy, I will even strive harder to give you a better life…I will be your personal M.D. J Love you sooo much….Thank you for everything….Thank you mommy….

St.Jude Thaddeus, St. Anthony de Padua, Our Lady of Manaoag, Our Lady of Perpetual Help, St. Claire, through your intercession, I passed, thank you for hearing my prayers.

Dear God, Lolo Uweng, this is indeed your miracle… These are all part of your wonderful plan for me…and I thank you with all my heart for giving me the best gift….Thank you for remaining faithful to your promises to me, and In return I promise to give everything back to You…I will be your servant… I will be your instrument… I will be your healer….I love you dear God….

I am now a licensed Physician….

Life could never be this complete…

To God be the Glory

Maria Rowena T. Vierneza MD

i have to pass my boards....

i have to study well for it

while nursing this smashed heart....

while trying to revive the love that has already died....

while hoping that one day I will be resurrected back to life...

while praying that he was just confused when he said that he want me out of his life

who am I kidding???

I know he doesnt love me anymore.....reading my previous posts....

now i realized it didnt happen overnight....

its been an ongoing process....

still.....i pray to God....

to give me one miracle

make that two Lord God....

help me pass my boards......

and make him love me back again.....

but if i could only have one....

please give me that license dear God....

its for my mom....

please....dear God

I can stand being alone forever......but I couldnt let my mom down.....

I want to be a full pledged Physician.....

even if I know....Ill be a dead.....licensed Physician.......

therefore, iwont be spending my valentines day alone....

but Im not really all that happy....

call me ungrateful......

but I just cant get over the fact that he once thought he loved me much less than before....

that he once...or twice...or God knows how many times he wanted to let me go each time we fight....

How I cannot really be assured that he loves me as much no matter what he says....

...I guess I couldnt feel it....

that I am as important in his life as he is to mine....

Maybe I would keep on waiting for the day he will say goodbye.....because I dont think he's holding me as tight....

and his grip could loosen up...in a blink of an eye....if the tide gets too high...

I dont really know if I still believe him when He says he loves me.....

Things arent the way it were before.....

he used to love me so much...woudnt allow a day to pass not telling me he loves me....

and when I get mad...he stumbles down....telling me how sorry he was....and how much I mean to him....

That was a year ago.....

NOw that we were together for two years and 2 months...he has changed....

CHanged a lot that I can no longer assure myself that he still loves me...

When I get mad...he'll ignore me...

Whne I confront him, he'll be even madder...

When I turn sweet, he remains civil...no sweet words...no i love yous anymore.....

No text msgs...no phone calls....no effort in meeting me....

When he meets me, I feel its just an obligation and not his own free will....

What's wrong with us... is it still worth staying....

Or have I been alone all this time......

~~~~

When my cousin told me years back, when I was still an incoming medical student, that he regrets entering medicine....that I should think first a lot of times before I submerge myself into this profession...I was puzzled...why would I ever doubt my choice....when I know being a physician is one of the noblest task there is...When he said it is really difficult....I thought...if I love what Im doing then nothing could be that hard....

But now....now that I am spending new year's eve alone....in the company of the ghosts inside this recovery room of lcp....waiting for surgery intern calls....waiting waiting...ever hoping that the time would run so fast until its time to go home....When I left my house this morning...I was teary eyed...no...tears were falling from my eyes....saying goodbye to my mom...asking our neighbor to party louder so that their noise will reach my home...with only my brother and my mom waiting for the clock to strike at 12 midnight....Its painful....

That if I did not choose to become an md...I could be there at home, preparing food with my mom for media noche....whats harder...at times when Im on duty....I think about the lost times....Now Im thinking how many new years eve could there be left for my mom and I when I know she's not getting any younger....my tears fall....for all the times that I could be there for her....making her laugh....because I miss her...and my whole family terribly....

I didnt mind going back and forth from laguna to quezon city and back this whole holiday season....i dont care if I look like a racoon now because of lack of sleep....The holidays must be spent with your family and loved ones.....so Im enduring the traffic/the exhaustion....and everything else....because I need to be home.....

Anyway... why did I choose to become a doctor?
...Because it is my childhood dream....because it is what my dad and I dreamed of when he was still with us....because it is still...after all one of the noblest task there is....
and if its worth not going home to your families during holidays and special occasions....
maybe not so.....but I m sure theyd understand....and I sure hope to be immune to this one day....

So For today...I would endure this longing to be home for media noche....
Cure the sick....Save lives....
And hope that next new year's eve I would not be on duty anymore....

At the end of the day...quite sad as it may seem..but fulfilling in every sense...that's the irony of being an md....

Thoracic Cardiovascular Surgery Intern on Duty,
Maria Rowena T. Vierneza M.D
Lic no: soon *crossed fingers*

~end of reflections of a pseudomd~